Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
