Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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