So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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