I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
