And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
