Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
