Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
