I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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