Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
