I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
