someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
