I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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