Pants 0. Shit 1.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
