My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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