Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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