Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
