i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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