Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
as a side note pls kill me
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
