I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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