Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
