WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
