He is such a slut. More and more my type.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
