I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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