wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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