I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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