This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
