mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
