new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
