Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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