dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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