I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
