There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
