he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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