just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
