I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
