I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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