I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
