this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
