Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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