Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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