K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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