When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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