you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
