yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
