she looked like the before picture.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
