Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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