On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
