We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
