i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
