According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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