New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
